Things I Never Thought I'd Say!

So, back in my younger days, I had a vision of where I would be when I was almost 30. (Yes, I still have 6 months until that day and I'm not wasting it!) I visualised a clean house, a husband who worked 9-5 and came home to a hot meal every night, a few well-behaved children who could read by age 2, a yard full of clean, quiet animals, a garden that has never seen a weed and laundry that is washed, dried, folded and put away instantly. How boring would that have been??? Instead, I find myself married to a amazing cop who works nights and hasn't seen the sun in centuries. Who will happily eat anything I put before him as long as it comes with a strong cup of coffee! We have two children with a third on the way, who didn't learn to read by age 2, but who can sing any Bon Jovi song you can name. Who keep me constantly laughing and rolling my eyes. The yard full of clean, quiet animals? HA! We have filthy dogs who refuse to clean up their own poop and a fish tank of fish that end up in the toilet more often that not. A garden I have given up on once I realised that those weed things grow better than anything I plant and do I really want to be playing in the dirt with all that dog poop around?? As for the laundry............. Well, anyone who has been to my house knows that laundry is my Nemesis. My cryponite. The evil thing that is lurking behind every doorway in my house, just waiting to pounce on me and prove yet again that I am not Donna Reed. Or even Roseanne. Sigh.

So here are some things I never thought I would say. Enjoy a good laugh at my expense!

"Honey, your Glock is too heavy for this purse. I should've brought a different one."

"No, I do not want to look at your poop. I don't care if it's red!"

"If you don't finish watching this movie, you will not get to go outside!"

"So did you get P.C. to obtain a urine sample?"

"I just flushed the last frog."

"You know, if you'd all stop eating I wouldn't have to keep cleaning up the kitchen! I fed you yesterday!"

"Dog, if you eat that roll of toilet paper i swear I will flush you like a frog!"

"Honey, the neighbor is here. Could you please put on your robe? And maybe pants?"

"You had better have taken that sample of pot out of my purse before I go to the airport!"

"You kids had better get in bed so I can watch Dog the Bounty Hunter in peace!"

"No, you may not lasso your sister."

"Whoever is sneaking across the living room instead of being in bed had better run because I've got Daddy's taser!"

"No, you may not lasso the puppy."

"Aly, please pick up the fly body after you squish it. I hate stepping on them."

"Ok, fine! You can lasso daddy!"